SETTING: The set of a TV home shopping program called Impulse Buying at
AT RISE: Amid rousing MUSIC and LIGHT EFFECTS, our effervescent HOSTS enter and speak to the audience.
HOST 1
Hello!
HOST 2
Hello!
HOST 1
I’m Lucy!
HOST 2
And I’m Ethel!
TOGETHER
Welcome to Impulse Buying At Home—
HOST 1
Where women shop for themselves.
HOST 2
We want to thank our sponsors, Fruit 66 and Electric Power, Incorporated.
HOST 1
Thank you!
HOST 2
And we want to give a shout-out to the generous folks at Barksdale Theatre who kindly allowed us to be in The Little Theatre this evening.
HOST 1
I love to buy, don’t you, Thelma?
HOST 2
I certainly do, Louise, and where would we be without all those other buyers out there?
HOST 1
Facing a government take-over?
HOST 2
No, silly; we’d be daytime drinkers still getting our hair done in malls. Now, what do we have for our buyers today, Kate?
HOST 1
I’m glad you asked, Allie, because today, only on Impulse Buying At Home, we’re offering a remarkable collection of painted plates!
HOST 2
Tell me more, Wilma!
HOST 1
Love to, Betty! These plates were inspired by some of our most popular female cultural icons. On each collector plate is a painting of an influential woman who never existed! And our E-Z Pay Plan makes owning these plates, well, E-Z! Tell them about the EZ Pay Plan, Laverne.
HOST 2
Love to, Shirley. You can pay with a credit card, personal check, electronic banking service, money order, cashier’s check, or proof of womanhood.
HOST 1
Proof of womanhood! How does that work?
HOST 2
It’s E-Z! Along with your order, just send us a token from your personal female history.
HOST 1
Such as…
HOST 2
Your tenth-century Chinese foot bindings!
HOST 1
Your Victorian chastity belt!
HOST 2
Your whalebone corset—
HOST 1
Your dunking rope from the Salem witch trails—
HOST 2
Your training bra—
HOST 1
Your first at-home pregnancy test—
HOST 2
Your pink cancer ribbon!
HOST 1
And this is by no means a complete list, is it Ginger?
HOST 2
Oh, my, no, Mary Ann. I’m sure there are lots of folks at home with plenty of tokens from their own personal history.
HOST 1
So dig them up and send them in!
HOST 2
I’m ready to see the first plate, aren’t you, Snow White?
HOST 1
I am, Rose Red.
HOST 2
Remember, you can call, email, text, twitter, blither, blather, or channel your order, but do it now, because this collection is a limited edition.
HOST 1
And won’t last long.
HOST 2
May we see the first plate, please?
(BETSY CROCKPOT, in her 1930s
attire, is revealed.)
HOST 2
Of course you all recognize this paragon of domesticity, Betsy Crockpot!
HOST 1
Betsy Crockpot?! But I thought we were featuring plates with real American icons on them.
HOST 2
Yes, well, these plates are irregulars.
HOST 1
Irregulars?
HOST 2
For a special low, low price! And if you act right now, we’ll include a special bonus plate!
HOST 1
No!
HOST 2
Yes!
HOST 1
What female cultural icon who never really existed is on the special bonus plate?
HOST 2
That’s a surprise.
HOST 1
I love surprises! So that’s six plates for the price of five?
HOST 1
That’s right!
TOGETHER
And they can be yours!
(MUSIC swells. BETSY CROCKPOT comes to life.)
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